I’m driving home from running errands and Kierra demands lunch. I’m not making anything when I get home (except a margarita on ice). I make my way to the boulevard and wait my turn. I notice this guy in front of me blasting his music, all the windows down, stunner shades on (so women can see how sexy he is), arm out the side while looking in the rear view window and side view windows every 30 seconds. Really, Rico Suave? Who exactly are you expecting to meet at this social drive thru? I’ll tell you, a whole lot of soccer moms and broke teenagers. Did I mention he was driving a brand new Altima? Yeah, a girls car. As we’re waiting some young boy comes out from inside to talk to him. The boy shakes his head and backs away from the car. Rico cranks up the tunes a notch. The boy says, yeah, it sounds alright and goes back inside to finish his happy meal. I FINALLY get to order. I notice him looking in his side view mirror AGAIN as he hands the cashier a DOLLAR and what appeared to be a dime. OMG, HA, he ordered off the Dollar menu. I wait, she hands him some change. I can only guess it’s three pennies. She hands him his very small bag rolled down half it’s original size. I immediately laugh so he can watch that in his rear view mirror.
Brand new Altima=$21,000
Brand new sound system=$1,000
Ordering off the dollar menu while being watched by a woman=Priceless
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My version of "The Return"
I just had a baby less than a month ago. I did not like an outfit she had received at the baby shower. Shawna wanted to go to the store where it came from so I decided to go with her.
I walked up to the counter while Shawna and her children looked around nearby. The lady working the register asks for my receipt. I reply “I don’t have one,
You can just give me store credit.” She takes my drivers license and tells me she is not able to complete this transaction. Why I ask? “Well, it seems you have returned too many items recently.” So now it’s my fault that I got crap gifts and wanted to return them for something better? She apologizes and begins to help the next person in line.
Oh no! SHAWNA, I scream to get her attention and up to the counter I’m at. SHAWNA! She starts to walk over; the kids are confused about the public outburst. Shawna is at my side and calmly asks what’s up? I explain the situation and advise I need for her to return this. She turns to the woman and says “I need to return this.” The woman tells her that she may lose her return privileges. Shawna explains that she doesn’t return things so it won’t be a problem. The woman then asks “What is the reason for the return?” Shawna turns to me, what is the reason Michele? I reply “It’s Winnie the Pooh.”
The outfit of course had been clearance out since the purchase. A store credit in the amount of $6.98 was issued. At that point it wasn’t about the money it was the principal. To think that someone could keep me from returning an item would not be tolerated in my eyes.
I took a stand that day. The clerk will remember the scene, the children will remember the outburst, I will remember not to return there without a receipt and Shawna will remember to never go with me to a retail store ever, ever again.
I walked up to the counter while Shawna and her children looked around nearby. The lady working the register asks for my receipt. I reply “I don’t have one,
You can just give me store credit.” She takes my drivers license and tells me she is not able to complete this transaction. Why I ask? “Well, it seems you have returned too many items recently.” So now it’s my fault that I got crap gifts and wanted to return them for something better? She apologizes and begins to help the next person in line.
Oh no! SHAWNA, I scream to get her attention and up to the counter I’m at. SHAWNA! She starts to walk over; the kids are confused about the public outburst. Shawna is at my side and calmly asks what’s up? I explain the situation and advise I need for her to return this. She turns to the woman and says “I need to return this.” The woman tells her that she may lose her return privileges. Shawna explains that she doesn’t return things so it won’t be a problem. The woman then asks “What is the reason for the return?” Shawna turns to me, what is the reason Michele? I reply “It’s Winnie the Pooh.”
The outfit of course had been clearance out since the purchase. A store credit in the amount of $6.98 was issued. At that point it wasn’t about the money it was the principal. To think that someone could keep me from returning an item would not be tolerated in my eyes.
I took a stand that day. The clerk will remember the scene, the children will remember the outburst, I will remember not to return there without a receipt and Shawna will remember to never go with me to a retail store ever, ever again.
Shawna's view of "The Return"
Let’s take a step back and really look at this story from my point of view. Obviously the story runs much different from the victim’s side of the street.
Let me just preface this by stating that going anywhere with Michele is dangerous. I never know when she might go off on someone, might stop the car in the middle of an intersection because someone was “rude” to her, or put me in a compromising position.
Back to the story of “The Return”. Michele makes it sound all very innocent. She just forgot a few details. First, yes, I wanted to go to the store, but to shop. She didn’t mention to me that she was going to make a return, because past experiences would have made me say no to that request. Second, anytime Michele is involved with a return, there is always suspicion.
It started in the parking lot. I pull up next to Michele in her car. I get out ready to go shopping with her, which is usually fun. Michele walks to the trunk of her car. I see this in all slow motion….I want to scream “NOOOOO!!!!” and be very dramatic, but I don’t. She pulls out the bag and nonchalantly says “Oh, I have to make a return.” She won’t look me in the eye when she says this. I just blindly follow her into the store.
Michele walks right up to the first available counter we see, the home department. I pull my kids along to go look at bath rugs or toothbrush holders while Michele begins the transaction. I am peering through the piles of washcloths trying to view the progress, but can’t see anything. I hear voices but I just don’t want to look too hard. As I am pretending to browse, I suddenly hear my name being called as if through a loud speaker. “Shawna! Shawna, come here!” With a knowing sigh, I head toward the voice.
Michele is standing at the counter with her hands on her hips. The lady behind the counter has her glasses on the tip of her nose peering down at me. Oh great, I think. Here we go. I put a smile on my face and look at Michele. Michele states to me very tersely “Please return this for me.” I ask no questions. I held the outfit in my hand and turn to the lady and whisper “I would like to return this”. The lady looks between Michele and I and just shakes her head. The sales lady begins to lecture me on returning things without a receipt. She tells me that I will not be able to return things to this store again, that this one return will ruin my “return credit” forever. I numbly say “I don’t return things.”
The return was done with and Michele walked away with a gleam of satisfaction that she fooled them and $6.98 in her pocket. I, of course, walk away with a bad reputation all because of Winnie the Pooh.
Let me just preface this by stating that going anywhere with Michele is dangerous. I never know when she might go off on someone, might stop the car in the middle of an intersection because someone was “rude” to her, or put me in a compromising position.
Back to the story of “The Return”. Michele makes it sound all very innocent. She just forgot a few details. First, yes, I wanted to go to the store, but to shop. She didn’t mention to me that she was going to make a return, because past experiences would have made me say no to that request. Second, anytime Michele is involved with a return, there is always suspicion.
It started in the parking lot. I pull up next to Michele in her car. I get out ready to go shopping with her, which is usually fun. Michele walks to the trunk of her car. I see this in all slow motion….I want to scream “NOOOOO!!!!” and be very dramatic, but I don’t. She pulls out the bag and nonchalantly says “Oh, I have to make a return.” She won’t look me in the eye when she says this. I just blindly follow her into the store.
Michele walks right up to the first available counter we see, the home department. I pull my kids along to go look at bath rugs or toothbrush holders while Michele begins the transaction. I am peering through the piles of washcloths trying to view the progress, but can’t see anything. I hear voices but I just don’t want to look too hard. As I am pretending to browse, I suddenly hear my name being called as if through a loud speaker. “Shawna! Shawna, come here!” With a knowing sigh, I head toward the voice.
Michele is standing at the counter with her hands on her hips. The lady behind the counter has her glasses on the tip of her nose peering down at me. Oh great, I think. Here we go. I put a smile on my face and look at Michele. Michele states to me very tersely “Please return this for me.” I ask no questions. I held the outfit in my hand and turn to the lady and whisper “I would like to return this”. The lady looks between Michele and I and just shakes her head. The sales lady begins to lecture me on returning things without a receipt. She tells me that I will not be able to return things to this store again, that this one return will ruin my “return credit” forever. I numbly say “I don’t return things.”
The return was done with and Michele walked away with a gleam of satisfaction that she fooled them and $6.98 in her pocket. I, of course, walk away with a bad reputation all because of Winnie the Pooh.
Bring your pet to work day
My mom decided that my son needed a pet. Since we were living in an apartment at the time and couldn’t have a dog she thought a bird would be best. His name was Mini-me. He was a miniature parrot.
After about two weeks with this bird my son manages to break his foot somehow. Great, I have to get his foot fixed and tell my mom that Keith can’t handle the responsibility of a pet. My mom upset about the whole ordeal quickly comes over and takes Mini-me. She takes him to the pet clinic where he would stay overnight in an incubator. He now has to wear a “lampshade” around his neck and foot was in a cast. He would need daycare for four weeks.
My mom was taking care of him but for some reason I had to take care of him for a day. Since I had to work and wasn’t going to take a vacation day for that I decide to take him to work with me. Of course it’s against company policy to bring pets to the workplace so he will have to be snuck in.
I place him in a little box and throw my jacket over the box to hide him. I scan my badge and head towards my desk. I’m home free. My day begins and I set him up in the corner of my desk under the light and fix his mirror. All is well, no one notices.
About an hour later he starts to squawk. He’s looking at himself in the mirror and whistling. People in the unit are starting to ask what that noise is. Um, it’s a nature CD, I reply. I’m starting to panic. My phone rings, it’s Security. Hello? Is this Michele Brown? Yes. We have reports that you have a bird at your desk and that is against company policy. Do you have a pet at your desk? Yes. Well, you will have to bring it to the front desk. Okay. I hang up the phone and Shawna walks over. I begin to explain my situation. She can’t hold it in, she’s doubled over with laughter, her sister and a guy I’ve never met before walk over and say “We’re gonna have to confiscate the bird.”
And it begins another chapter in our revenge book. The next chapter will be mine.
After about two weeks with this bird my son manages to break his foot somehow. Great, I have to get his foot fixed and tell my mom that Keith can’t handle the responsibility of a pet. My mom upset about the whole ordeal quickly comes over and takes Mini-me. She takes him to the pet clinic where he would stay overnight in an incubator. He now has to wear a “lampshade” around his neck and foot was in a cast. He would need daycare for four weeks.
My mom was taking care of him but for some reason I had to take care of him for a day. Since I had to work and wasn’t going to take a vacation day for that I decide to take him to work with me. Of course it’s against company policy to bring pets to the workplace so he will have to be snuck in.
I place him in a little box and throw my jacket over the box to hide him. I scan my badge and head towards my desk. I’m home free. My day begins and I set him up in the corner of my desk under the light and fix his mirror. All is well, no one notices.
About an hour later he starts to squawk. He’s looking at himself in the mirror and whistling. People in the unit are starting to ask what that noise is. Um, it’s a nature CD, I reply. I’m starting to panic. My phone rings, it’s Security. Hello? Is this Michele Brown? Yes. We have reports that you have a bird at your desk and that is against company policy. Do you have a pet at your desk? Yes. Well, you will have to bring it to the front desk. Okay. I hang up the phone and Shawna walks over. I begin to explain my situation. She can’t hold it in, she’s doubled over with laughter, her sister and a guy I’ve never met before walk over and say “We’re gonna have to confiscate the bird.”
And it begins another chapter in our revenge book. The next chapter will be mine.
Monday, January 21, 2008
A trip to Frye's
My boyfriend, my son and I take a trip to this electronics store to shop for some guy thing. The only reason I got to go was I was the lucky driver. Off in the distance I see people gathering for some kind of washer/dryer presentation. Since we were in need of both I take off in that direction.
As I approach the demonstrator she gives me a ticket for a washer/dryer drawing for the Neptune (hottest thing on the market at the time). I sit down and watch the entire presentation. At the end the demonstrator picks a name from the hat. Michele Brown! I jump up, with my hand grasping my shirt, overwhelmed with excitement, “it’s me, I’m Michele Brown!” I hold up my ticket, screaming “I can’t believe it, I won!” As I get closer to the lady who called out my name she hands me a mug with coffee ground inside and says “Congratulations!” I look around and the small group is staring at me, confused and I can hear the crickets in my head. I zoom back to the lady and she says “You’ve won this coffee mug and your name is entered in a drawing for the washer/dryer set.” I thanked her, grabbed my mug, head down, tail between my legs in hope to never see these people again. Thank god I live in another zip code!
As I approach the demonstrator she gives me a ticket for a washer/dryer drawing for the Neptune (hottest thing on the market at the time). I sit down and watch the entire presentation. At the end the demonstrator picks a name from the hat. Michele Brown! I jump up, with my hand grasping my shirt, overwhelmed with excitement, “it’s me, I’m Michele Brown!” I hold up my ticket, screaming “I can’t believe it, I won!” As I get closer to the lady who called out my name she hands me a mug with coffee ground inside and says “Congratulations!” I look around and the small group is staring at me, confused and I can hear the crickets in my head. I zoom back to the lady and she says “You’ve won this coffee mug and your name is entered in a drawing for the washer/dryer set.” I thanked her, grabbed my mug, head down, tail between my legs in hope to never see these people again. Thank god I live in another zip code!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Windshield Wipers
Excited about my first apartment and living on my own I decide to do some shopping. I take a friend with me. I go to Sears. They have a clearance section. I am in search of a bargain. I find an entertainment center for $99.00 and it’s in great shape. I purchase this quickly before someone else grabs it. The cashier sends me to the pick up area.
My friend and I go to the area and wait, and wait, and wait. Ugh. How long is this going to take? The answer is 45 minutes. By this time I’m a bit irritated. I finally get to the front of the line. The guys bring the very big boxed entertainment center. I am in my Mazda 626. I fold the seats down. It doesn’t fit. He suggests I come back with a truck. I say no because I have already waited long enough. I insist it will fit. He begins to force it in. He hits the windshield wiper switch and it is now just hanging there.
My friend and I get in the car and start it up. The windshield wipers are going off. I try to put it in the upright position but they’re broken so it wasn’t happening. My friend stressed out from the whole experience lights up a cigarette. I begin to drive off embarrassed by the whole event. Not only are the wipers going back and forth the soapy water is shooting out. As my friend is smoking her cigarette the water comes through her side since the window was down and puts out her cigarette. I’m hysterical at this point. She shakes her head and says why do things always happen when I’m with you? Don’t know I reply.
We get on the freeway and off on a main road home. By this time the water is all used up, the wipers are wiping on a dry surface and it is very loud. We stop at a light and the people next to us are staring. She is shrinking in her seat and my windows are not tinted. I smile at the people because it’s a beautiful summer day and I no longer care at this point.
Although this isn’t an average never give up story, it’s my never give up story. The entertainment center fits great….in my apartment.
My friend and I go to the area and wait, and wait, and wait. Ugh. How long is this going to take? The answer is 45 minutes. By this time I’m a bit irritated. I finally get to the front of the line. The guys bring the very big boxed entertainment center. I am in my Mazda 626. I fold the seats down. It doesn’t fit. He suggests I come back with a truck. I say no because I have already waited long enough. I insist it will fit. He begins to force it in. He hits the windshield wiper switch and it is now just hanging there.
My friend and I get in the car and start it up. The windshield wipers are going off. I try to put it in the upright position but they’re broken so it wasn’t happening. My friend stressed out from the whole experience lights up a cigarette. I begin to drive off embarrassed by the whole event. Not only are the wipers going back and forth the soapy water is shooting out. As my friend is smoking her cigarette the water comes through her side since the window was down and puts out her cigarette. I’m hysterical at this point. She shakes her head and says why do things always happen when I’m with you? Don’t know I reply.
We get on the freeway and off on a main road home. By this time the water is all used up, the wipers are wiping on a dry surface and it is very loud. We stop at a light and the people next to us are staring. She is shrinking in her seat and my windows are not tinted. I smile at the people because it’s a beautiful summer day and I no longer care at this point.
Although this isn’t an average never give up story, it’s my never give up story. The entertainment center fits great….in my apartment.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Retail Rent-A-Cop
Retail Rent-A-Cop Current mood: frustrated Category: Life
Okay, so I don't know what it is about me and retail stores but we don't always get along. With that being said I'll go on with the story. I walk into the local K-Mart to see if I can find a costume for Halloween as it's getting pretty close. I really don't like shopping here AT ALL but I'm getting desperate. A certain feeling comes over me just walking down the aisles. I believe it's called depression. Then I hear over the loud speaker "Attention K-Mart shoppers". Ugh, can it get worse? As they finish going over their specials in the K-Mart cafe (ewww) it immediately goes back to the music, which should be a relief right? WRONG, Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract is playing. I make my way to the costumes and pilfer through all the shopping baskets with left over mismatched items. I pick out something and make my way to the register. I pick the shorter line because there's only ONE person ahead of me. Head's up, go to the longer line. Everyone in the longer line left this line because the cashier is slllloooooow and new. Fifteen minutes later I pay for my items, push the cart aside and carry my three heavy bags. As I approach the exit door I am greeted and asked to look at my receipt. I say I was two registers away, I'm carrying K-Mart bags (which means I paid for this crap) and you want to see my receipt? His reply? It's my job mam. Strike 1, mam? Just how old do I look? I drop the bags to the floor in an effort to be dramatic, rummage through my oversize purse and hand him the receipt (with an attitude). He looks at the receipt and the CLOSED bags on the floor and marks my receipt with a black line. I said, "That's your job? To not verify what's in the bag and put a squiggly line through my receipt?" He says, "Have a nice day MAM." I say, you have a great day tagging receipts Rent-a-cop!" I walk to my car angry with myself for stopping at the exit to adhere to his request. In my mind I think what would've happened if I had just walked out and ignored him? Would he have risked his life and his flashlight to jump me in the parking lot to find my receipt so he could put the infamous black line through it? Would he call the real cops and make a citizens arrest until they arrived only to verify that I had indeed paid for all of my items and charge me with???? Yeah, I'll be going back to this store the day after Halloween to purchase the clearance Halloween stuff and I will answer the above questions on November 1st. See you then....
Okay, so I don't know what it is about me and retail stores but we don't always get along. With that being said I'll go on with the story. I walk into the local K-Mart to see if I can find a costume for Halloween as it's getting pretty close. I really don't like shopping here AT ALL but I'm getting desperate. A certain feeling comes over me just walking down the aisles. I believe it's called depression. Then I hear over the loud speaker "Attention K-Mart shoppers". Ugh, can it get worse? As they finish going over their specials in the K-Mart cafe (ewww) it immediately goes back to the music, which should be a relief right? WRONG, Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract is playing. I make my way to the costumes and pilfer through all the shopping baskets with left over mismatched items. I pick out something and make my way to the register. I pick the shorter line because there's only ONE person ahead of me. Head's up, go to the longer line. Everyone in the longer line left this line because the cashier is slllloooooow and new. Fifteen minutes later I pay for my items, push the cart aside and carry my three heavy bags. As I approach the exit door I am greeted and asked to look at my receipt. I say I was two registers away, I'm carrying K-Mart bags (which means I paid for this crap) and you want to see my receipt? His reply? It's my job mam. Strike 1, mam? Just how old do I look? I drop the bags to the floor in an effort to be dramatic, rummage through my oversize purse and hand him the receipt (with an attitude). He looks at the receipt and the CLOSED bags on the floor and marks my receipt with a black line. I said, "That's your job? To not verify what's in the bag and put a squiggly line through my receipt?" He says, "Have a nice day MAM." I say, you have a great day tagging receipts Rent-a-cop!" I walk to my car angry with myself for stopping at the exit to adhere to his request. In my mind I think what would've happened if I had just walked out and ignored him? Would he have risked his life and his flashlight to jump me in the parking lot to find my receipt so he could put the infamous black line through it? Would he call the real cops and make a citizens arrest until they arrived only to verify that I had indeed paid for all of my items and charge me with???? Yeah, I'll be going back to this store the day after Halloween to purchase the clearance Halloween stuff and I will answer the above questions on November 1st. See you then....
Recognized
So do you ever go to some random place where you hope NOT to see ANYONE you know? You usually leave the house looking like shit because AGAIN you're NOT going to see anyone. This my friend is a death wish. I'm almost to the finish line...I'm paying for my groceries when all of a sudden, MICHELE BROWN! I don't even want to look over. I turn to my left and muster up the fake smile as I look at this face that I hardly recognize. She begins to ramble on and still have no idea what her name is. I realize that we went to high school together but I never hung out with her OR talked to her then. While I'm thinking all this in my head while she's talking (blah, blah, blah) she then proceeds to introduce me to her husband who seems to care even less than me (hi, nice to meet you...). The cashier asks me for a form of payment. I use a credit card I'm not so sure will work but hey, I give it a whirl. DECLINED! (Errrr, awkward pause) okay, try this one. It goes through. Why is it I'm always embarrassed in front of just the right people? No real point to this story. Just wondering why people feel the need to yell my full name (as this happens a lot)? Thank god my middle name isn't public knowledge. I would think my mom was yelling at me because it was progress report season!
Make out in parking lot
So I'm leaving my doctor's office and making my way out of the parking lot. I look over and see this guy, this old guy with his 10 hairs on top of his head combed over to the side (in an attempt to make it look full). He's making out with this woman (who could very well be his daughter, and just might be). They're fully making out like they're at a High School homecoming dance. I start to throw up a bit in my mouth. I look around to see if anyone notices this disgusting display of affection but no dice. Are they:
A. One of those religions where it's okay to be with the daughter?
B. Secret lovers or
C. Still drunk from the previous night at Outlaws? (same parking lot)
OR
D. This is my way of telling you i saw your husband making out w/some blind chick--I think.
A. One of those religions where it's okay to be with the daughter?
B. Secret lovers or
C. Still drunk from the previous night at Outlaws? (same parking lot)
OR
D. This is my way of telling you i saw your husband making out w/some blind chick--I think.
Drunken Humor
So please tell me why I go out with my boyfriend when he drinks heavily? I am laughing and socializing with a cousin of his when all of a sudden he comes over. He claims to only be drinking beer but by the sound of his "jokes" I can tell hard liquer has played a part. He says to us hey, what are you guys plotting? She responds, we are planning a breakfast together and then shopping. His response, whoa, it's not even Halloween yet! He immediatly begins to laugh hysterically. The cousin and I look at each other confused. Confused, as to why this is so funny? I closed my eyes, shook my head and said huh, that's funny why? You know cause that's scary and Halloween isn't for a while. This will continue for the next few hours. As we're watching tv there's a special on about this woman who has 6 kids and he walks in on one of his many trips to the restroom. What are you watching? Oh, (a reference was made to someone with many kids) yeah, this is "Sally's" life. His response? That's the signature plan (he laughs out loud). This time she says what the hell are you talking about? I say, do you mean she signed her life away? No, signature plan. Okay, so now we're talking about plans? With that being said I decide to call it a night. I've once been asked "What's the deal with him?" You're funny, he's not. That is a reflection on you. Why does that haunt me so? The moral to this story? If you're funny don't hang with people who think they are. It will ruin your rep.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Commercials that need not ever air again
Viagra-A bunch of limp men hanging out with no women in the mix with "Viva Viagra" playing in the background makes me question exactly why they're excited about this blue "magic" pill. Ewww...
Closet World-Their cheesy 1-800-45-CLOSET...closet world jingle that gets stuck in your head. How many times have you danced in your well organized closet in your cowgirl outfit with matching cowgirl hat to boot (no pun intended)?
Closet World-Their cheesy 1-800-45-CLOSET...closet world jingle that gets stuck in your head. How many times have you danced in your well organized closet in your cowgirl outfit with matching cowgirl hat to boot (no pun intended)?
Today
Today I went to the grocery store and get to the line only to realize that I've forgotten the main thing that I came for. The checker asks the usual question: Did you find everything okay? My reply: Yes, I just forgot the refried beans to go with the enchiladas I'm making for dinner. He says, I'll be right back, leaves me there and actually runs back to go get it for me. You've got to be kidding me. He comes back with a smile on his face and says is this the one you wanted? Who is this guy? I say, that's the nicest thing that's ever happened to me at a grocery store, thank you. He continues to scan my items. As he does this I say I was only wanting to spend $50, if you can make this happen as well that would be great. We both smile at each other and give the "yeah right" look. He gives me the total and we laugh since I went $7 over. I walk out to the car and the lady next to me is putting groceries in her car. I begin to put mine away as well. We both finish at the same time. She says do you want me to take yours since I'm already headed that way? Yes, thank you very much. Okay, seriously, am I going to die some horrible death today? So with that I decided to have a stress free day. TODAY I will be nice. No matter if someone cuts me off in a lane I will refrain from giving this person the bird. TODAY when that man that was wearing a dress (clearly was a man) on Oxnard Blvd I will not judge. TODAY when the lady at the Taco Bell drive through asked me repeatedly what I wanted on my soft taco (HA) and I told her 4 times I will not roll my eyes to her face. TODAY is a good day!
Best if used by 1/3/08
So the only way to get Kierra out of the house without a fuss today was to offer taking her to get a donut. It's a small price to pay so off we go. We get there and she wants milk too. She's upset with me for getting the plain milk vs. the chocolate. I take her to school and she takes a sip of her milk and spits it up. I take a drink and it's sour. We both rinse our mouth and I yes, go back to the donut shop for a return. I stand in line and wait. I explain that I just came here and the milk is bad. I hand her the carton. She looks at the date and points at it. I give her my best "what the fuck" are you talking about look with my mouth agape and say yes, I see that it claims to expire tomorrow. It's bad today. She walks away to "discuss" with her manager. The whatever-ese lady begins to say they're out of these carton and all they have left are the bigger ones. It doesn't matter to me because I don't want the milk. I want a refund. She gives me a dirty look and points to the date on the carton. Again, I watched my daughter spit it up, I tasted it and it's bad. I bought it for her to eat with her donut and now she's at school. Just give me the money back. She throws the dollar bill in my hand and pauses. Um, you owe me ten cents. She hands over the dime and I leave with a smile. It's all about the principle.
10 things I want kept in 2007
- Brittney Spears (I can do without you the rest of my life)
- Women showing off their muffin tops (NOT cute, please stop!)
- Low rise jeans (I've seen way too much crack)
- Adoption stories (I'm talking about you Jolie-Pitts, enough already!)
- Madonna trying to piggy back on the adoption train
- The saying-My bad
- The saying-Let's get crunk
- Leggings
- Pegged pants
- Jamie Lynn Spears (I don't want to hear about your pregnancy or your much older boyfriend. Go into hiding with your sister please)
Christmas Eve
My day begins with a migraine. I fight my way to the local Rite Aid to get some Excederin Migraine with high hopes it will relieve my pain. I pop 3 pills and chase it with a cup of joe. I quickly return to bed to sleep it away. The kids are content being little vegatables and watching TV. I'm getting back up and the migraine has faded. I get the kids ready to go to the rescue mission to feed the homeless. This will be the third year (first for Kierra, I know, pray for them) attending this. I head over, Keith, head down, not excited...Kierra excited to leave the house at whatever cost. We begin to set up the tables, decorate the tables & Kierra yelling "We need more forks over here!" All is well. We have a seat & wait to serve the food. As we serve a man is taking pictures (hopefully, he's from the local paper and not some weirdo). He took pictures of me & Keith and some of Kierra who's in her apron & Santa hat. He asks our names. I ask his name & for some identification. Once we've finished serving Kierra decides to put on a Christmas concert. She walked around the tables and sang her heart out. We cleaned up the tables and then made a mad dash to church.
Of course the church is packed. Once again, we're standing and Kierra is climbing around like a monkey. My feet are killing me from standing most of the day & my migraine is making a return. Oh, forgot to eat something. After an hour & a half we leave. I cross the street only to step on something sticky. OMG! Nothing says Happy Birthday Jesus like a used condom wrapper stuck to your Steve Madden's! WOW!
Next I go to the stores in an effort to get the last minute gifts. Of course there's nothing left. Does Hubba Bubba count as an actual gift if it's the BIG PACK? No?
Back home...dinner...make cookies for Santa...GO TO BED
Of course the church is packed. Once again, we're standing and Kierra is climbing around like a monkey. My feet are killing me from standing most of the day & my migraine is making a return. Oh, forgot to eat something. After an hour & a half we leave. I cross the street only to step on something sticky. OMG! Nothing says Happy Birthday Jesus like a used condom wrapper stuck to your Steve Madden's! WOW!
Next I go to the stores in an effort to get the last minute gifts. Of course there's nothing left. Does Hubba Bubba count as an actual gift if it's the BIG PACK? No?
Back home...dinner...make cookies for Santa...GO TO BED
Dear Santa
Hello, it's Michele...in Oxnard....California? Hey, I thought I saw you yesterday on a bike but it was just a guy that had a beard and his ass crack in full view who stopped in the middle of the crosswalk to pick up something that wasn't there and stopped traffic. Anyhoo, I have tried my best to be good this year but you have to admit 12 months is a long time. I have decided to step it up this year and I got you cheesecake, pumpkin roll (mmmmmmm) and egg nog with alcohol. Make sure this is your last stop cause it's pretty toxic. I wouldn't want you getting stuck in the chimney. We plan on having a fire Christmas morning. That would definetly scar the kids for life. So anyway, I would like to ask for a camcorder (YouTube compatable), my badonkidonk to be high again (like in high school), and to really do well on auditions in 2008. That's all I need Santa. Hope all is well with you!
P.S. I thought that add for you to be the 2008 spokesperson for Jenny Craig was rude.
Love,
Michele
P.S. I thought that add for you to be the 2008 spokesperson for Jenny Craig was rude.
Love,
Michele
The rollerblade pick up
Dedicated to Bern & April.
This story is a decade old. I hope you enjoy. In a last ditch effort to enjoy exercise I decide to take a roll through the neighborhood. As I pass the park company arrives. This bike companion decides to get to know me by asking what school I go to, what music I like, etc. Trying to be polite I answer his questions while picking up speed to try and lose him. He's on a bike and I'm on my rollerblades so this isn't an easy task. Another few miles pass and I grow more and more eager to get back home. However, I can't let him know where I live. This trip around the park is turning into an exercise prison and a painful reminder of the downside of trying to keep fit. Not only am I trying to get away I am also trying to stop on these blades which I haven't mastered.
He goes on to talk about an upcoming dance this Friday. It starts to get dark (as I've been on this journey for what seems to be forever). I ask "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He replies, "No, my mom's cool. I still have about ten to fifteen minutes."
Okay, it's time to put an end to this. He's popping wheelies to try and impress me so I will return the favor. I pick up speed and lunge for the stop sign ahead. My plan was to spin around the pole several times with one hand. Instead, I do a half spin and fall straight on my ass. Apparently, this adolescent embarrassed by this twenty something woman decides to ride off into the sunset. I guess it all worked out for the best since I had nothing to wear on Friday anyhow.
This story is a decade old. I hope you enjoy. In a last ditch effort to enjoy exercise I decide to take a roll through the neighborhood. As I pass the park company arrives. This bike companion decides to get to know me by asking what school I go to, what music I like, etc. Trying to be polite I answer his questions while picking up speed to try and lose him. He's on a bike and I'm on my rollerblades so this isn't an easy task. Another few miles pass and I grow more and more eager to get back home. However, I can't let him know where I live. This trip around the park is turning into an exercise prison and a painful reminder of the downside of trying to keep fit. Not only am I trying to get away I am also trying to stop on these blades which I haven't mastered.
He goes on to talk about an upcoming dance this Friday. It starts to get dark (as I've been on this journey for what seems to be forever). I ask "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He replies, "No, my mom's cool. I still have about ten to fifteen minutes."
Okay, it's time to put an end to this. He's popping wheelies to try and impress me so I will return the favor. I pick up speed and lunge for the stop sign ahead. My plan was to spin around the pole several times with one hand. Instead, I do a half spin and fall straight on my ass. Apparently, this adolescent embarrassed by this twenty something woman decides to ride off into the sunset. I guess it all worked out for the best since I had nothing to wear on Friday anyhow.
Getting ready for Christmas
So we got our tree last weekend and put the lights up I think Thursday? Yeah, not feeling the whole holiday spirit. I begin to feel guilty and more so that the kids are bugging me to finish decorating the tree. I put some Christmas music on, that doesn't do it. I put Frosty the Snowman on. Ah, that usually gets me in the mood (for Christmas!). A certain someone in the house lost the DVD remote a few weeks ago and I'm having difficulty starting the movie. I found a trick. When it gets to the play part I stop and click play real quick. Apparently, there must be a prompt in between that offers you the choice of Spanish. Yeah, that's right, I watched Frosty the Snowman in Spanish or SAP as some may be more familiar. Not the same, just so you know. Why is it that no matter how old you are when he melts my eyes start to fill up with tears? Well, I did. I know, I know, he'll be back again someday but man, I get all choked up.
Day of a thousand deaths
Okay, so my day starts off pretty normal. I did however, have to go in early to work today but whatever. Throughout the day I am yawning, slurring my words and experiencing dizziness. I believe I am trying to fight off a cold considering there was no alcohol/narcotics in my system (that I know of). I can barely drive home I'm so tired. I pick up Kierra, go to the grocery store in the freezing cold, winding blowing, Kierra wants EVERYTHING Christmas related and NOT being quiet about it when her requests are denied, I go home to start dinner which I am not at all interesting in making, I try to open a bottle of wine (you are my love) the screw BREAKS in the cork, I pull out the drawer to see if there are any other openers and the entire drawer falls to the floor, I try to push the cork down, I try to cut chunks of the cork, I stand there imagining in my head if I just slammed the top against the counter (but there may be shattered glass that winds up IN the wine I drink) I stand there realizing I'm out of options, I'm still cooking dinner in the midst of all this, I cannot take the kids and Max running a muck in the house, I decide to go to the neighbors and borrow an opener only to find a road block of which is a pile of Max puke (that resembled a scene from Jurassic Park when they heard the cell phone going and saw the piles of crap and that there phone was inside one of the piles) yeah, you thought my day couldn't get any better? Just another day in the life of Michele. Welcome to my private hell. The coffee is hot here.
8:08 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit
8:08 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit
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